I just want someone who actually gets me. Who understands the person I become at 3 am. Someone who wants to know about every thought that crosses my mind. Someone that has interest in me. Who wants to know about my past, and plans to be my future. Someone that I can connect to musically. Someone who realizes my stubbornness and just tells me to stop being that way and appreciate everything I have. I want someone who can tell by the tone of my voice when I’m upset. And who does everything to make me happy again. I just want someone that understands me and loves me unconditionally. And the worst part is, I had that someone. And I threw it all away.
I hate admitting that I miss you. I can’t keep pretending I’m okay anymore, because I’m not. I miss having someone who was actually interested in me. I miss you coming over and staying with me until 2 am. I miss sneaking out and meeting you and star gazing until the sunrise. I miss spending the night with you. I just miss you. I miss our actual connection. I know that I can do better. But how am I supposed to do better when no one knows me like you do? When no one wants to actually get to know every little minute detail about me? How am I supposed to move on when there’s nowhere to go? I miss you. And that’s just that. There’s no changing it. I have to admit it to myself.
I hate that I actually miss you. I hate that I have dreams about you. I hate that you aren’t mine. I hate that you’ve moved on. I hate that I found a note you wrote me and that it made me cry. I hate that holding the necklace you gave me makes me cry. I hate seeing her make you happy. I hate that I’m not the one making you happy. I hate that you aren’t my best friend anymore. I hate that I’m no longer the one that you invite on family vacations. I hate that I’m not the one you subtweet with music lyrics. I hate that I still have our pictures on my phone. I hate that every song still reminds me of you. I hate that you’re still on my mind. I hate the fact that I miss our connection. I hate that I miss you coming over and watching movies. I hate that I miss you bringing me ice cream in the middle of the night. I hate that I miss driving around with the windows down. I hate that I miss hearing you sing. I hate that I miss your room. I hate that I miss your texts. I hate that I miss you sending me links to songs that apply to whatever situation we were in. I hate that I miss the games, the competing. But most of all… I hate that I still care.
Sometimes I sit here and hope for a text message from you, or just an ounce of your attention….. And then I remember you broke my heart and I don’t like you
You know what I hate more than anything? Lies. All kinds of lies. Whether they are white or black, it doesn’t matter. There is no such thing as a “good” lie. Since when is hiding the truth from someone or falsely informing someone of something considered good? Because I honestly don’t get it. I cannot grasp it. I will never understand why you could just tell someone all of these things, good and bad, and not actually mean any of it. Why manipulate? Why cheat? You know that I understand that no one is perfect, but seriously? Do you have no morals? Values? Anything at all? Because honestly, all I can see in you is bad. I can’t see anything good because you led me with this false hope. What do you expect from me? Do you expect me to just look past all of it? To just ignore the fact that you lied to me,over and over and over again? To just forget about MY morals and values and feelings? Because I won’t. I absolutely refuse to give you that satisfaction. I have tried so hard to be there for you, to be a shoulder to cry on, a friend to hug, anything to see you happy. And yet, you have the heart to lie all of this time. Or shall I say, no heart. I believed in you. Hell, I stood up for you when no one else would. I didn’t believe my friends when they said you were a compulsive liar, but I should have. So this is me telling you that there will no longer be any, “You okay?” texts, or late night phone calls, or flirty tweets, or any hugs. Kisses. Nothing. You have literally pushed me way past my breaking point and quite frankly, I would rather spend time in a concentration camp than EVER speak to you or look at you again. However, I am going to be the bigger person and say thank you. You have truly taught me a lesson that I will never forget. So best of luck to you and your “best friends” which honestly, you should refer to them as “FWBs” or just whores. But just so you know.. The lies? Yeah, they will catch up to you. And having experienced fate at first hand, it will NOT come to you at an expected time. Life will throw you a fast ball and before you know it, you will be eating dirt in the outfield. So this is goodbye to all of you, liars and manipulators and cheaters. You truly have made a fool of me. But as they say, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” And I will never take shame unto myself. So fuck you. All.